I know it’s scary to revisit old wounds to put yourself out there for pain all over again–but it sounds like you’ve got a good support system in place to allow that to happen There are no guarantees in any of this which I just hate But I think you’re heading in the right direction It’s okay to be hurt and angry and confused That’s all normal And you still love him and want to save your That makes perfect sense to me too Blessings prayers and peace to you–and let us know if you need further resources Kay No matter how hard I try I can’t stop looking at porn and lying about looking at porn My wife doesn’t trust me at all any more and is taking the kids away for good I even look at it on my work computre at work and at home Some times I want to give it up but for the most part I don’t want to stop and now I am loosing everything because I still want porn I need help!!! Please!! Thanks for replying Naomi It sounds like your husband is far gone There are other boundaries to consider such as sleeping in separate rooms or even having a period of separation from the home Have you gone to these extremes yet? If not approach these options very cautiously but don’t be afraid to take them You are correct: your son does not have good model of manhood and he needs to know that his father falls short (All fathers fall short of course but it takes a real man to admit his faults to his sons and choose to work. Wont really pay since the only computer I use is at work on my lunch break as a source to get in the word and help with advice with my recovery Every husband must learn to endure with patience every disrespect his wife shows him When she cheers others but nit picks at you then you must still love her When she sleeps in and doesn’t make your breakfast except when company comes you must still love her When she reminds you that she noticed what you failed to do that you said you would do you must still love her Often without even knowing it without even thinking she shows you disrespect more in her attitude than just in her words And often you show her bitterness in failure to talk problems out patiently and kindly Why does she say such things you think? But you dare no longer ask The thought of her likely response is too painful. 11 It was John’s 60th birthday this year and I arranged two big parties for him The catering cost about £1,000 For my birthday John said he would take me to Istanbul for 4 days his choice of location not mine I arranged for dog-sitters/house-sitters (family friends) to also take responsibility for our 14 year old son while we were away The night before we were due to fly it transpired John had not booked the flights or the hotel So the house-sitters turned up the next day expecting us not to be here and we spend my birthday weekend sharing my home for 4 days with the house-sitters! John arranged nothing else 12 Just remembered a telephone conversation I overheard that John had with a creditor of his recently and how he sought to be totally funny charming and sweet talking to put off paying for a few days Sunday 22st December 2013 I consider emotional and sexual abuse in a relationship to have all the hallmarks of the enemy who brings death and destruction wherever he can When something has gone on for so long 18 years including courtship in my case the abnormal appears normal but most certainly is not pure The choices before me are whether to stay with my marriage and accept it because this is the Will of God for my life and watch my husband be eaten by the devil from the inside out make efforts to bring about an improvement which I have done for the last 10 years without success or find a way of escape I do pray I will be able to find peace and get the wisdom needed from the Lord Only He knows and understands all the circumstances and what His claim on my. The responsible spouse feels caught in a Catch-22: (a) treat their spouse like an adult and see significant areas of marital family and home life deteriorate and disintegrate or (b) treat their spouse like a child and make the “ work”but then face the anger of their spouse that comes from their being “parental.” Finances hobbies and time with friends are frequent points of conflict as the laziness is rooted in immaturity Inactivity poor hygiene and lack of enthusiasm all make the relationship very difficult In some cases the indifference extends beyond the home to an unwillingness to maintain employment Regardless friends and family usually begin to notice the inequality in the but often choose not to mention it This all further increases the strain. Yes you married that man and oh how sorry you have been on many occasions since then! You then thought he was a Christian but how could he also be such a weakling and so uncouth at times? How could he be so thoughtless so inconsiderate so downright crude? Answer: because he has not yet become perfect like Christ in his own obedience to the commands God has. So sorry to hear about what your husband is doing to you Felicia It is sad what some men will do to their wives—deplorable. The Bible says much about how a man is to treat his wife and vice versa “Husbands love your wives and be not bitter against them” (Col 3:19) This verse speaks reams of food for thought and practice when it comes to a husband’s responsibility in meeting his wife’s deepest most enduring needs It would seem that God has placed within the woman’s psyche a limitless desire to be loved to be nourished and cherished “even as the Lord the church” (Eph 5:29) Yes the relationship between Christ and His church is what the covenant pictures Further to the wife Paul states: “and the wife see that she reverence her husband” (Eph 5:33) What does it mean for a wife to reverence that man? How can a man truly love that woman? How can a wife’s obedience to a simple command and a husband’s obedience to a simple command bring a healing balm to a troubled ? by Jerry Gentry One final piece of the puzzle is this: you’ve been used to turning to “lust” to deal with your emotions Men are taught all kinds of terrible things about themselves in our culture Don’t feel (big boys don’t cry) be tough (be a man) and that acting out sexually is normal and healthy (boys will be boys) You’ll need to face up to your own pain your own disappointments your own grief You’ll need to be vulnerable with yourself with your counselor with your group with your wife You’ll need to learn how to be with your pain instead of shoving it away with bad choices That’s hard work But it’s work that works if you do it Peace to. “7 Questions Wives of Porn Addicts Often Ask” (written by a wive’s counselor) Not having all the facts of your story I would give you this word of advice: Believe Behavior Don’t believe just what he says He might be telling you the truth but you simply can’t rebuild trust on words alone He needs to know that and he needs to hear that from you When trust has been shattered in any relations the only way to rebuild it is with trustworthy behavior To give trust so easily it has been broken is not loving it is just foolish. I don’t believe its so much as guilting me for trying to find help but more of the fact that she doesn’t feel she can trust me to be on a computer without here standing over my shoulder I an understand where shes coming from sort of and am being patient with her but the internet can be a great tool for encouragement and advice if used properly. Thank you so much for your reply I think I just needed someone else to say yes this is a terrible thing I think you are absolutely right about the reason for photoshopping my face into the pictures I caught him a couple of years ago playing around with photoshopping just my image making my clothing more revealing etc He justified it by saying that there is nothing wrong with lusting your own wife I think this is an obvious progression from that but that doesn’t make it any easier to accept or any less frightening. Fourth I can’t tell from your comments but on the surface it sounds as if he’s trying to make amends This is a good thing Be encouraged that he says he doesn’t want to look at porn anymore But always remember: don’t believe what he says believe what he does Believe behavior As he shows a good track record of staying away from porn this will help to build trust. Have you sought out any accountability or mentoring relationships in your church? Have you reached out to other men who have been in your shoes? I cannot overemphasize enough the importance of a rock-solid accountability/mentoring relationship when it comes to overcoming habitual sin in our lives You said you haven’t looked at porn in over a year but that you still have “failures” that your wife knows about What are these “failures”? Your lusting heart? Can you describe the dynamic between you and your wife when it comes to these failures how they she knows about them and what she says when they happen? My husband had watched porn recently and hes saying that he was just curious Idk wheater to believe him or not But now its hard to trust him and its hard to be around him naked anymore I feel so uncomfortable We’ve only been married for a couple months now but been together almost 2 years Its hard enough to cope with the fact i already dont feel good about myself He didnt make it any better I wanna trust him again But idk if. Dear Luke I have just found this on the internet it may be very encouraging for other wives who are clearly struggling with their husband’s sexual sin It has certainly given me fresh hope Whether Jesus can save my through this I pray that he may God bless Naomi How to Heal a Troubled It is I know some trigger happy wives who want to call it quits at the first sight of lust or pornography I know other wives who put up with decades of abuse infidelity neglect and even total abandonment and stay in their miserable s Neither of these extremes is good in my opinion It is a very tough call to know how to apply the principles of the Bible in some of these situations. I highly suspect that there’s a lack of emotional intimacy in your that’s being demonstrated in the lack of sexual interest from your wife If you really want to make your work address the emotional intimacy and see if the sexual intimacy then resolves itself I would suggest The Seven Principles for Making Work by John Gottman and Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson for enrichment Read those books Discuss them with your wife See if she becomes more interested in investing in a sexual relationship with you when you demonstrate that you are willing to invest in an emotional relationship with her Otherwise you’re just using her for sex and I’m sure she. Hi Melissa I can’t imagine the pain and betrayal you feel right now I agree this is more than just a “porn problem.” Usually an obsession with porn is far more than just a porn problem but in this case there are a number of complications First he appears to be into some sadistic material Porn typically blurs the lines between pleasure and pain and because of this he is now linking sexual pleasure with harm (at least in certain instances) Second he isn’t thinking about how others might be exposed to this same material (like your children) which is very distressing. And while you’re learning whether or not he is trustworthy and while you’re processing your feelings and becoming able to forgive you’ve got to keep your brain in gear and your boundaries in order It’s a tough deal! I hope you’ve got some good support in place while you go through this I like to recommend the American Association of Christian Counselors as a place to look for a therapist because they’ve got lots of counselors in lots of places around the country. You’re not alone I’ve been married for over 18 years and it has been a LONG journey for us My husband was SO addicted to porn rejection of me for the false stuff was a regular occurrence I felt so undesirable and worthless cuz he would rather masturbate to porn than be with me It got so bad he almost cheated on me This was 8 years ago Our relationship is much better today than it was years ago but it’s still not where I wish it was I just found porn on his phone last week The only difference now is when I confront him he’s fairly honest with me I long for the day of purity and freedom I PRAY for it!!! Every Man’s Battle conference and Celebrate Recovery were good for him Maybe you can talk your husband into going to one… Praying for you. But how do I get over the condemnation I feel for not telling her EVERYTHING like she wants? mind you yes its condemnation not conviction @stephanie – Thanks for your question I can’t tell you how many women have expressed similar sentiments on this blog over the years I won’t try to pretend I have a great understanding of how you feel One of our regular authors Ashley has written on this subject from a personal perspective many times In one of her articles “Am I Beautiful Enough for Him?” she talks about she learned to overcome the feelings of insecurity In another one “Sex Porn,” she talks about the conflicting emotions around making love when struggling with insecurity. Hey there Well I would want to make sure that he is actually doing the work he needs to do Does he see a counselor? Go to a group? Have accountability partners that receive his Covenant Eyes report? Have friends that he talks to about his struggles? Those to me would be good indicators of behavioral trust being rebuilt As for ED that is often a RESULT of extensive porn use If he has no medical issues then ED should not be. Sounds like a very difficult situation T Have you two pursued counseling for these things? Hey Amanda I think you’re right to be concerned about his level of anger and his lack of openness to your emotions I think the gaps in his phone history and deletion of text history is a cause for concern My own feeling is that you should be able to have all the access and assurance that you want or need all this is your the two of you together I would try to have a conversation about being on the same team; you need to understand and be reassured about what’s going on; you’re not trying to be his mother but his partner that sort of thing See if he’s able to respond positively to that You might look for a group that BOTH of you could attend–say Celebrate Recovery? Those are in lots and lots of churches around the country @jon – Thanks for stopping by Hope you find more of our articles helpful! “My husband and I are four months into recovery and my husband’s renewed walk with God is so exciting to me However I’m still struggling to believe that I am safe and that I won’t be hurt by his betrayal again Sure our relationship is better than I ever imagined it could be but now I’m just so scared to lose what God has miraculously Some days the fear and pain come rushing back in and I feel devastated all over again I feel like such a hypocrite My husband is very patient with me and very encouraging but now I am afraid that if I don’t stop this doubt and this constant need for encouragement that he is going to get discouraged and quit Am I normal? Do I just need more time? Does it get easier?” Hi Susan Wow I am so sorry for all the pain you’re in right now I know that feeling of having your life shattered I want you to know that healing is absolutely possible My own experience is that God redeems and brings us through things that are just impossible to us I know you can’t feel that right now but I want you to know it’s out there! Hang on. His fourth wife was the German Protestant Anne of Cleves Henry disliked her from the beginning and had their annulled only a few months He proceeded to marry Catherine Howard a young cousin of Anne Boleyn who like Anne was found guilty of and executed for treason His last wife was Catherine Parr a more mature woman who had been twice widowed None of his last three queens bore him any children I believe these holy scriptures cover it … LK 6:45 A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh TIT 3:10-11 A man that is an heretick the first and second admonition reject; Knowing that he that is such is subverted and sinneth being condemned of himself TIT 1:15-16 Unto the pure all things are pure: but unto them that are defiled and unbelieving is nothing pure; but even their mind and conscience is defiled LEV 18:17,24-26 29 Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of a woman and her daughter neither shalt thou take her son’s daughter or her daughter’s daughter to uncover her nakedness; it is wickedness … She also needs to see you being proactive in building purity into your life You must be the one buying the porn filters and you must be the one placing your computer in an open area like the family room or breakfast nook You must be the one limiting your time on the web and setting tighter standards on the films you enjoy as a family and you must be the one making sure you are part of an accountability group As long as she is the one nagging you to get these things done she will never feel a sense of trust because she will always feel that you are doing these things because you have to and not because you want to in your heart Photo credit: llorias I don’t think it posted my whole story so I will break it down I was married I found out my husband had viewed porn and had been flirting/chatting with women online I felt humiliated angry and betrayed It happened over a year ago and he’s been clean since I love him respect him make love to him & I do my best to trust him But I know that I don’t trust him fully I worry about him everyday even though I try not to I know that I am somehow holding back a piece of myself (because I am afaid of getting hurt again) but I don’t know how to give it back to him? Why can’t I be the happy lighthearted sweet smiling girl I was before? What should I do? Please respond… There are a couple of books you might find helpful: Boundaries in Cloud and Townsend; The Seven Principles for Making Work Gottman. Dear Luke I have just watched the False Love series They have given me a much greater understanding of my husband’s struggles I am sure this series is of great encouragement for men who have been seduced into this sin of pornography Also on Brad Hambrick’s site there was a article on whether pornography (in the absence of ) gives Biblical grounds for divorce and he concludes not I myself have always read Matthew 5 : 31 – 32 as only giving a right of divorce to men against adulterous wives and not the other way round I am not aware of any scripture which gives wives a right of divorce but let me know if there is Holy Scriptural authority for this that you are aware of although I do know that 1COR 7:10 – 11 allows wives to leave their husbands in extremis You might appreciate our free download Hope Porn where several women talk about their experiences with their husbands in recovery My best advice to you is to work hard on your own recovery your own support your own sanity just as hard as you wish your husband would work on his Whatever he chooses and I hope that he chooses well!! YOU can choose health and wholeness for yourself Blessings Kay Hey D I’m so sorry for what you’re going through It’s really sad but it sounds like your husband has a habit of turning away from you and toward his addiction Recovery is a long hard road even under the best of circumstances and it requires real work on the part of the addict I’d say the best of circumstances would be the addict taking responsibility for himself doing the practical things to cut off porn (internet filtering) getting into accountability relationships going to a recovery group (like Pure Desire or Sex Addicts Anonymous) and continually working the program they need. I don’t know why I thought this (knowing how deep sin like this is) but I figured it would all just go away Especially we got married Unfortunately about a month and a half we got married I discovered search history that told otherwise It was one instance We tried to work through it Since then I have found proof two other times I know he is sorry and I know it causes him major pain It makes him feel dirty and unworthy I don’t want to bring it up with him because I know it crushes him to know that I know and am experiencing pain. Defile not ye yourselves in any of these things: And the land is defiled: therefore I do visit the iniquity thereof upon it and the land itself vomiteth out her inhabitants Ye shall therefore keep my statutes and my judgments and shall not commit any of these abominations; neither any of your own nation nor any stranger that sojourneth among you: … For whosoever shall commit any of these abominations even the souls that commit them shall be cut off from among their people MT 5:27-29 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time Thou shalt not commit : But I say unto you That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust her hath committed with her already in his heart And if thy right eye offend thee pluck it out and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish and not that thy whole body should be cast. As far as a support network for you is concerned start by finding one woman you trust Is there someone in your life who serves for you as a good friend or even a mentor? Someone who serves as a good example of spiritual maturity? Find that one person and begin meeting with her to talk about this issue Then agree to meet together every week for prayer and encouragement I know a lot of women who have found the True Betrayal series very helpful This free video series is made for groups of women whose husbands have betrayed them sexually Women who don’t have a support group locally often watch these videos together with a good friend and then use the information to talk with their friend about what they need to. My husband has struggled with porn in the past but yesterday I found that for the last six months he has been downloading pornographic images and photoshopping my face onto the women There were at least 50-100 of these images He has created porn with ME as the subject with other men treating me like an animal Some of them show me bound & gagged & other frightening things These were stored on a computer that my children use every day! I am devastated on so many levels He is supposed to be my protector It should be horrifying to him to see pictures of other men abusing me sexually yet he has created them for his pleasure This goes far beyond a “porn” problem does it not? I have not found anything like this addressed in the many online resources I’ve searched I do not know where to turn. Hi Kellie It really sounds like your husband is very unwilling to get help or even consider his porn use a problem He doesn’t want to be open with you it seems At this point I recommend you look into (1) finding some local support for yourself and (2) think about what you can do to make it abundantly clear that you need to have trust in your if it going to thrive You need to have others around you that you can talk to about this situation people who know you and your husband and can offer good advice Ideally a counselor would be good You might want to read this article by Ella Hutchinson It may give you some ideas about next steps. From a man’s perspective I will say porn and sexual media in general have a powerful influence over a man’s mind Porn trains men to understand beauty differently But more than this it trains the mind by eroticizing power and objectification When a man looks at porn online he has complete control of the experience: he can search for whatever he wants see whatever he wants see how much he wants and fill his mind with all kinds of sensual novelty No woman can really compete with this because she’s not competing with merely a sexual experience but with a fantasy experience This is why even “picture perfect” celebrities have husbands who are addicted to porn: because these men are training their minds on fantasy not reality With that said your husband’s mind can also be retrained As you build new experiences of intimacy (not just sexuality) you begin to build a new foundation of love respect and passion. Hi Meg It is good you are going to see a counselor Here’s what I hope your counselor tells your husband: 1 Using porn over and over only destroys the potential for real intimacy with your wife You are training your brain to desire women who don’t look act or sound like your wife You are training your brain to love the variety of porn not the exclusivity of your wife (You can learn all about this in our book The Porn Circuit which is book written to non-Christians). The apostle Paul confirms this basic weakness in wives when he admonishes: “And Adam was not deceived but the woman being deceived was in the transgression” (1Tim 2:14) Many women are sharper mentally than their husbands Many women have superior verbal skills than their husbands Many women are quicker at thinking than their husbands Yet even with their sharp mentality their superior communication skills and quickness of thought they can still fall into the oldest sin known to the woman the sin of being deceived When a woman overrules neglects or rejects her husband’s words then she is living in deception The devil has her heart as sure as he had the heart of Eve Mark it down It is in. Hey Jeanie Thank you for sharing so openly I think the worst thing about porn is that it takes the “naked and unashamed” intimacy of our s and turns it into a performance that’s all about the surface That’s the real perversion in my book I think that’s the real pain too Before you experienced that were beautiful just because you’re YOU–you were trusting that he was with you and loving you the way you were with him and loving him And then it turned out his mind was in a whole different place I think you could regain the joy of your sexual relationship but I think that would come by resolving the real pain that’s here: the broken emotional intimacy of your That’s where the real pain is and that’s where the real healing has to. In the end it is important you take care of your own heart in the midst of this Your husband has put you through 11 years of trauma and that isn’t a light matter Consider watching these free videos by Brad Hambrick They are excellent. Hi James I just wanted to point out that we do address women’s struggles (especially as it relates to Internet pornography) In fact we made a couple of videos regarding 50 Shades of Grey That we choose not to address other offline struggles is a reflection of the fact that we serve those who are struggling with Internet pornography (or love or minister to someone. Not that simple Jessica We know many men who have very sexually available wives who still look at porn To be sure being experimental and fun in the bedroom is a wonderful thing for married couples to do but this does not slake a man’s thirst for porn Porn trains a man to want a variety of women paraded in front of him (this is all what porn is) A porn-trained brain won’t be satisfied with just one woman no matter how vivacious she is The man must do his part and desire to be a one-woman man. Angela you have an awesome heart and attitude my friend Proud to all you my sister in Christ! And as far as her reading some of the articles she flip just knowing I was online looking for help. The best of circumstances always always includes good boundaries for yourself Recognizing the reality of the situation and considering what’s healthy for yourself in it Our free download Hope Porn talks more about what boundaries look like in real life And of course Henry Cloud and John Townsend wrote the real book on boundaries and they’ve got one called Boundaries in that might be a good help as you decide what to. My husband and I have been married for 3 months now We are both Christians from Christian families but both have probably never fully embraced a relationship with our Lord 2 months we started dating he told me he has struggled with porn since an 11-year old It was the darkest part of him that he hated but knew I deserved to know It was really hard to handle for awhile but I quickly forgave him believing it would end It did not Almost a year into dating I caught him trying to video me changing in his room with his computer webcam We worked through that as well He denied it at first but eventually came clean That was a bigger hurdle to cross All along I have decided to forgive him and move on…despite. The reality is this: you have something so much better to offer your husband than a hot young bod You’ve got the wealth of all those years together the experiences you’ve shared the companionship the things you know about one another that no one else knows A hot young bod is a fleeting shallow thing by comparison in my book I hope your husband can work on his addiction issues and learn to bring his real true self into your relationship again I think he needs accountability and counseling–group therapy like Celebrate Recovery or Sex Addicts Anonymous and/or individual therapy The American Association of Christian Counselors is a good place to look for a local therapist. My husband has had a problem with porn since before we were married 11yrs ago Although every incident has left me hurt I have just recently realized that it is an actual addiction Every Mans Battle has really opened my eyes to the depth of the problem Although my husband is going to counseling and support groups I cannot trust him and am constantly worrying about who he’s looking at thinking about etc I don’t even enjoy going out anywhere with him for fear of him seeing attractive women I have been told over and over that this is not about me but I can not seem to separate myself from his problem and I am so insecure with him Although we are both getting help many days I feel completely hopeless Can I ever really get over this and the pain I feel. This is a very sobering interview about the potential effects of long term use of porn which is a must watch for anyone who is serious on this subject God bless Naomi .com/watch/v6814357Ar4yZzSg?h1=Ted+Bundy+-+The+Final+Interview Please I don’t even know why I’m writing all of this because in my heart I have already given up on him I know that sounds horrible for me to say but it’s true And I hate what I would become if I stay with him any longer It’s just not worth it I am planning on moving back to my mother’s house but not by happy choice-I just know I will need all the help I can get raising a child on my own I hate that it has come to this but I have been wishing that I was in heaven and that I was never born I am not suicidal at all and would never end my life But this is too much I wish I was in heaven. My husband’s mind and conscience are defiled and that is why he is so heartless self centred and lazy As his character deteriorates with the continued use of this stuff he becomes more and more unfeeling manipulative and deceitful Not surprising really when you think about how he has handed himself over the devil and given him a lot more than just a foothold. Hi Ginny I think it was Paul Newman who said “Why go out for a hamburger when you have steak at home?” On one hand we agree with Newman: when you’ve tasted the real thing why go back to what is inferior? On the other hand people who love steak still eat hamburgers People who have high tastes will at times rush to the convenience of McDonalds A post we recently published talks about this from a neurological level: Dr Doidge explains that porn is more exciting than satisfying because humans have two separate pleasure systems in our brains: one for exciting pleasure and another for satisfying pleasure The “exciting system,” fueled by dopamine and anticipation is all about appetite such as imagining your favorite meal or a sexual episode. Second you must rebuild emotional trust You must support your wife Listen to her without explaining or defending your choices Attend to her emotions Be kind and helpful Instead of turning away from her turn toward her Here’s a video that might help You should get a copy of John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Work Read it yourself first: commit to at least that much when it comes to rebuilding the relationship! Then see if your wife would be willing to read it with you The truth is a good successful is far more than “not looking at porn.” It’s about having a real true emotionally connected relationship. Of course you have struggled with trust since your husband was living two separate lives The question is does he come to you with his feelings now? Is he concerned about your feelings now? Those are the ways forward to rebuilding trust: sharing our own vulnerabilities and caring about the other person’s Unless your husband does his own emotional work around his sexual vulnerabilities and unless he is open and willing to share with you then I suspect he will continue to find dysfunctional ways to deal with his emotions. It’s this distrust that scares me though I don’t want to not be able to trust him He even mentioned how me looking through his computer had caused him to stumble I’m afraid of what might come of this I don’t have solid hope that his struggle will stop We are making positive steps but how can I fully trust him again when I don’t have solid feelings that he will stop? I’m so afraid to get hurt again Is it harmful for me to be looking through his computer and monitoring him? I guess I don’t really know To me not seeing anything feels good but finding what he has seen hurts so deeply Yet I keep desiring to look wondering just how deep it goes and what he is looking at I am simply lost. And I hope you’ll find healing too and walk your way back to the knowledge of who you really are as a person wholly loved and wholly complete regardless of the cultural definition of “sexy” Celebrate Recovery is a great place to find support as is individual therapy I don’t know how deeply you’ve dug into our archives here but Luke recently compiled a list of our favorite articles for spouses and you might appreciate some of those Blessings to you and let me know what you think–Kay Tit 3:10-11 A man that is an heretick the first and second admonition reject; Knowing that he that is such is subverted and sinneth being condemned of himself TIT 1:16 They profess that they know God; but in works they deny him being abominable and disobedient and unto every good work reprobate Here’s a recent article from The Gottman Institute on porn and the negative impact it has on relationships Perhaps he’d be willing to read that and start making better choices Peace to. Give the extend of your situation I also highly recommend you find some kind of professional counseling for this preferably someone who has some training in this area A good group to contact would be Faithful and True They have an only “self test” for sex addiction They have 3-day intensive workshops available as well Let me know if you want to talk further. Your email address will not be published Required fields are marked *Comment Name * Email * Website I know that my husband has been into internet porn more than once and it isn’t something that you just STOP! We have been having troubles for a while and have only been married 6 1/2 years He and I do not have an intimate relationship for the last 2 years he hasn’t had a want when asked why he has been on there he says cause you were not home When I am home nothing happens. As far as lustful thoughts go when you confess to something (like doing the double-take with the bikini photo) how does your wife know beforehand that you have something to say? When you tell her how does the conversation play out? What does. Women@ 877-326-7000 toll free This email address goes directly to Susan’s volunteers teams These are “alumni facilitators” who will connect with you by email (or phone if requested) I recommend email over the toll free number as the telephone call center can only take information via voice mail Use the phone number only if you don’t have email access Avenue’s website is: / Dear Luke Thank you for your quick reply which I really appreciate Yes you are right my faith is part of the problem He sees me as all white and himself as all black I have tried all the boundaries things but he just doesn’t care It is almost like he has no feeling around this issue My church is small and find this very difficult to deal with The problem is that most of a life addicted to pornography mastabation and escapism my husband has become a shell of a man weak defeated and failed This makes it very difficult for me to “reverence” him as I must I am in turmoil as to what to do for the best my 14 year old son is being shown a terrible role model of manhood Merry Christmas Naomi We’ve heard quite a bit about Fight the New Drug Sounds like they are doing some great work in schools and churches. First read Porn and Your Husband if you haven’t already Then read this blog post for some more practical advice Finally you may want to hand him a copy of The Porn Circuit and lovingly explain that while you want to “get over it,” you also know that pornography is addictive in nature and that you want to see him fully healed from it And remember: keep praying for him God can – and has! – softened even the hardest of hearts. Luke I PRAISE God that he has to their first love countless men Thank you for sharing this I haven’t yet looked at the False Love film yet but will do so I pray the Spirit of Truth which is the Holy Ghost will guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus Merry Christmas and. His arrest in 2009 John signed a ‘contact’ with Social Services undertaking not to access this type of material in the family home ever again as it is morally unacceptable that a young boy should be reared in a place where the Head of the Household is engaging in this type of disturbing and perverse sexual literature John willing signed this Social Services contract to ensure he could return to the family nearly 12 months apart However as we all know John has not kept to this agreement over the intervening years It is now nearly 5 years since John’s first arrest and he has had more than enough time to put his sexual house in order and he has had huge input from multiple agencies both secular and spiritual. If she wants to know the difference between lust and looking I would say thing: “If I notice a female or see someone who I might consider attractive I am not guilty of lust My aim each time will be to look away so that the look does not turn to lust I understand my heart has the tendency to do that but out of love for the Lord and you I want to make you my standard of beauty and to do that I am going to practice the discipline of turning my heart away from other women and to thoughts. Thank you for your input Fred it is appreciated Now i know i do need to talk o him about it an it isnt something that will just pass i do hope he can and will be willing. It sounds to me like your husband is engaged in classic gaslighting behavior You know the facts but he is denying them If he refuses to deal with reality then consider what healthy boundaries will look like for you in this situation Is this the kind of relationship you want to be engaged in for the rest of your life? This is the question Here here and here are some article on boundaries that might help you think through this You might also want to find a therapist who can help support you.
Lulu- I feel exactly like you do I will be staying with my husband but I feel confident that I will never be the same again I will never regain the trust I will hang on until the kids are old enough I have 11 years until I am 50 No man wants to have sex with a 50 year old-ever I’ll hang in there.
Almost all the stories i read are of men who turn to porn INSTEAD of their wives Men who covet porn over their wives who may be aging and gaining weight etc in my case my wife has obviously gained some weight and aged but i’ve never stopped desiring my wife and never stopped telling her how beautiful she is to me but it is her lack of interest in sex with me and her lack of willingness to address it through therapy or hormone checks that has driven me to porn I would much rather my wife than porn but she won’t make herself available to me when i need her I’m not too demanding once a week is all i ask i’m lucky to get twice per month and that is with days if begging and grovelling like a dog before she gives in So i’ve turned to porn as a release I wish i didn’t have to I may be wrong but in my case i feel like i am the victim not my wife Advice please? Have you already signed up for Internet Accountability? You may want to make your wife an Accountability Partner (in addition to a mentor from your church) so she can see herself that you’re not watching porn You may even want to be proactive in telling her about ads just so there are no surprises on the Report Maybe this feels like a step back since you’re enabling her trust issues but hopefully over time she’ll see you’re trustworthy (Luke’s out this week which is why he’s not responding for the record.) What if you have all the evidence thh Craigslist and yes I did go through his phone and I have a very good memory of that I read and saw He has all the textbook behavior signs that everything is true I very tried talking and have made every approach in various ways because I know that without trust there is no relationship and he continues to deny it He plays the I’m the crazy delusional one and when I try to show him the proof he gets violent He thinks all this is bullshit and teases me about it For instance I ll call and hell hang the phone and screams quit calling me I’m trying to get my d–k sucked How do I get him open up to me or am I wasting my time? My ver best friend in the whole world tried to help me and was so busy with her own always made me feel just important and I failed because I went back with him I don’t know what to Does anybody have any suggestions? If I say yes and explain to her what I saw the conversation would then go to accusing me like o great now your driving around staring at other women or sometimes it would be simply a I don’t believe you just looked away but whatever and then be followed be the cold shoulder and also so you go to these offices and look around to see what you can see I understand that shes still in the healing process and I need to be more understanding that she is trying to protect her heart but I still do make mistakes and sometimes I don’t look away right away and the Holy Spirit is there to convict me and I confess it to God as sin and truly repent But she says how she is NEVER going to be happy with me because all I do is lie to her when truth is it takes lots of guts to talk about every little thing with her especially when I see what it does to her self worth and confidence Which also causes her to lack the want to be intament with me which adds to the problem. …and I’m not sure if this will be seen or moderated since it’s an old thread but I will ask what looks to be the common question Yes we are both Christians He plays in our church band large well attended church We attend small group We are involved I work in Christian media and have for most of my career We have Christian counselors and materials any book including yours on our bookshelves I have interviewed experts from Laurie Hall when her book first came out (Affair of the Mind) to more recently Emerson Eggerichs With all that it doesn’t work without complete honesty accountability And I am not sure if it’s time to give up on that considering the illness and just coast or keep trying. Hi This is hard for me as I have never posted something like this before but here goes I have been married since Aug 2009 and my husband has been watching porn since He actually told me before we got married and said it was in the past and so I decided to trust him I am completely devastated I have found out he has been watching and contacting other girls(real and far away fantasy ones) over and over again I try to forgive him but his :reformed cleanness” never lasts more than a single month! As for you I know all of this must seem shocking and terrible (because it is) It is really important for you that you seek some help yourself Don’t go through this alone Just as sure as he needs help to change his heart so you need support as you decide what needs to happen next. Henry is also famous for his six wives While he was still legally married to Catherine of Aragon he married Anne Boleyn in secret on Janu (his to Catherine had to be annulled by a special act of Parliament on May 23 of the same year) Anne bore Henry a female child Elizabeth but she did not give him the male heir he so desperately wanted For this reason he had his with her annulled had her executed on trumped up charges of and married Jane Seymour Seymour gave Henry a male child but she died shortly doing so The boy was sickly and Henry reluctantly remarried on the advice of his chancellor Thomas Cromwell Cromwell like his predecessors More and Wolsey fell from favour and was charged with treason It could sound something like this: “I know you’ve been upset when I’ve asked you about things and when I’ve checked your phone so I want to set some expectations so we are on the same page First I want to be able to check your phone and computer for the very reason you don’t want me to check it: I want to trust you again You think I should trust you now but trust needs to be earned I have forgiven you but trust is not the same as forgiveness If you caught me getting online and chatting sexually with men and then I confessed that I had been doing that for years I would expect you not to trust me until I had earned it back If you indeed have nothing to hide from me then checking your phone will never be a problem anyway. Oh I’m so so sorry What a terribly painful place to be YOU ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR If your husband can’t fight for you YOU fight for you Whatever he chooses YOU be healthy YOU be strong YOU be courageous The Lord your God is with you WHEREVER you go and HE fights for you and loves you and never lets you go I hope you’ll seek out local support as you walk through this–a personal counselor maybe Blessings and prayers Kay Thank you for your response Kay There days writing this I figured everything out He’s been having an affair for the last year I didn’t reach out soon enough Pray for me and my kids…. Wife when did you last show your husband genuine reverence? Would you know how to reverence that man? Why would such reverence be important to your ? Do you honestly know any wife in this world who reverences her own husband with respect and submission “as unto the Lord” (Eph 5:22)? The high calling for every wife is clear: “Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren ye have done it unto me” (Matt 25:40) Wife the way you reverence your own husband mirrors precisely your real relationship and submission to Jesus Christ It is myth to think you can submit to even respect and reverence Jesus Christ while you disrespect your husband You know that to be true if you will think. Kate I am so so sorry What a painful and difficult experience to have in your First of all I’m sure you know this but let me say it anyway: your husband’s choices are his choices and you are not to blame He can only recover if he is willing to take responsibility for himself and his choices and do the hard work of recovery It’s a very common defense mechanism for men to blame their wives for their porn use but it’s just not reality. Yes I have mad myself accountable to an older man in my church which has been extremely helpful but my wife feels that if theres something I can tell someone else she should also know we should be able to share everything Except I do feel bad Because not only do I have past issues with abuse but now I have these insecurities about myself I feel inadequate next to porn (since I’m real and porns not) but now on top of all those insecurities I’m being told yet another thing about myself that makes sex even less enjoyable And here I was thinking I was doing great being able to be intimate all this time but I was wrong It hurts so bad I just don’t see how I’m supposed to ever feel good about myself again? He just doesn’t understand how much I need his empathy support snd patience to show and prove that he has really changed He thinks that him stopping should just be the end of it It’s only been 3 weeks as despite me forgiving him loving h and being more attracted to him than I have in 10 years he thinks I should be somehow “better” than I am and he’s already thinkng selfishly This is the same kind of degradation you read about in Romans 1: the continual giving of oneself over to sin resulting in more and more callousness. Email home Copyright © 1999 Church in the Wilderness Press | Rt 2 Box 198 | Big Sandy TX 75755 Phone: 903-845-5778 This Site Maintained and Hosted. So would she be open to you having a computer outside the office if you had Covenant Eyes installed. You need to face this responsibility like a Christian man You made the mess You need to clean it up There will be no trust until you become trustworthy which means she’ll need at least three things from you: 1) Your Complete Openness and Honesty These go a long way towards rebuilding trust by eliminating fear Rhonda’s words speak volumes to all husbands: “My biggest fear is what I don’t know or how deep his sexual sin is About two years ago we were building a house and living with my parents since the house we were living in sold and we didn’t want to rent if we didn’t have to I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and caught him looking at porn on the Internet He said he was trying to get some romantic ideas since he knows I want more romance Whatever! “as far as talking to you about this issue let’s just set a regular time to do it so I don’t ‘spring it on you.’ Let’s set a weekly time to pray about our intimacy as a couple you can talk to me about how things are going and we can pray for each other.” Sarah as far as the physical effects you’re noticing more erections wet dreams and a change in libido are all symptoms of changes in hormones that happen when a man is “detoxing” from porn They aren’t indicators that is actually is but they certainly can be signs of it More importantly both of you setting aside time to make love is very important right now (and I mean really making love not just quick sex; dating and romance included) He needs to build up a new habit in his life that doesn’t search for quick satisfaction but instead uses his sex drive to pursue patient romance. Now that ive kinda given you a little back ground hope. The problem is that porn encourages lies and dishonesty It is a very selfish activity and once established becomes all consuming My prayer partner told me about a new website/group of young men entitled “fight the new drug” set up to encourage young christian me just not to go there ever It is far to dangerous I recently meet a lovely young girl of about 30 who called off her engagement because her fiancé admitted pornography addiction Heartbreaking. Lk 6:45 A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh TIT 1:15 Unto the pure all things are pure: but unto them that are defiled and unbelieving is nothing pure; but even their mind and conscience is defiled. So have your explained to her the difference between temptation and sin? There are some major “conflict resolution” skills that you and your wife and foster and it might be helpful if you had a counselor to work with the both of you Let’s face it: she’s committed you’ve been entrenched in porn and it seems like both of your wrestle with deep insecurities around what the other one has done There is probably a lot that can be learned from someone who can help you navigate through these rough waters Might she benefit from some of those articles I posted above? Another resource I like a whole lot is Dr John Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Work It’s all research-based and very practical about how to strengthen your in general ways not just about avoiding porn Again it’s more of a “we’re on the same team” approach And if you’re needing more support than he’s able to give you right now you might want to think about going to counseling yourself as you walk through this I like the American Association of Christian Counselors directory Lots of different kinds of Christian counselors in lots of places Let me know what you think–Kay If you’re to rebuild marital trust in the wake of a husband’s betrayal there can be no dancing around the issue The root of the problem is his behavior When a husband demolishes his wife’s trust there cannot be complete restoration until that trust returns because trust is the basis of all relationships Trouble is when it comes to trust there’s a catch No matter how desperately you want it you can’t manufacture trust on your own Trust requires two ingredients: Your husband must become trustworthy and you must trust again Each of you is responsible for bringing one of the ingredients to. I’m only judging by the comments you’ve left but from the sound of things your wife seems bent on finding your sin and temptations and condemning you for it Yes of course you are guilty of lust like all men and that is a sin the Lord is slowly eradicating from your life But your wife seems unwilling to even allow you to be tempted This to me is one of the biggest problems If she wants honesty fine but she shouldn’t blame you of sin when you do not sin I’m sure you’ve been round and round with her about this but here’s what I might say to her if I. King Henry VIII (J- Janu) was the second son of King Henry VII and Elizabeth of York He reigned as King of England from April 22 (crowned on June 24) 1509 until his death on Janu He was accorded the title King of Ireland by the Irish Parliament in 1541 having previously been styled Lord of Ireland It’s the worst not being able to MAKE SOMEBODY ELSE!! When clearly it’s for their own good!! :) Walk on sister and let us know how we can help Blessings Kay 2 Getting married means “forsaking all others,” just like you said in your vows If you wife was chatting with men online or flirting with her around town and you saw her reciprocating you probably wouldn’t be happy You really wouldn’t be happy if she was seeking it out behind your back or if you caught her masturbating while she chatted online with another man Don’t do the same to her I pray your husband gets the message Write back and let me know how things. The examples you gave are all things she would want to know yes any and every temptation if notice it she wants me to tell her if I don’t she says im lieing to her and I can feel satan using her definition of honesty to condemn me in to telling her those things I guess I have a hard time pen pointing the differences between condemnation and conviction in the moment but not so much in hind site I will respond to your last question about how this all plays out most of the time at a lunch when I have more time I want you to know I do appreciate all you’ve done so far and look forward to the Godly advice to come thank. Thank you for your suggestions I will be contacting Avenue and have ordered Tactics I so appreciate you and Brenda’s ministry You have given me many words of hope over the past few months. I have been looking at porn on and off for the 12 years of our I have showed my wife little to no intimacy and have had sex less than once every year or so….I was able to ‘hide’ it for years until last night when she found out I am now in a hotel and have no idea how things got this bad I have 2 kids and they are crushed My whole life is destroyed and I feel so sick inside She says it is over as I lied for years to her about not knowing why I was not affectionate towards her… when all along I was viewing porn I would do anything to have things the way they were when we first met without the porn problem What do I do to hold onto my family and ? I. Hi Greg – Honestly my heart just breaks Really for both you and your wife There’s definitely the hurt that you’re feeling from being neglected in this way Then there’s wondering she experienced that caused her to change so radically from the first 10+ years. This sounds like rationalization to me This is how he explains to himself that this is really not as bad as he knows it is It probably makes sense in his own head but it doesn’t really make sense when you start looking at it Here’s a short animated video I did about defense mechanisms that. Here’s an idea Your husbands are watching porn because the day you got married you stopped performing sex acts on him that he enjoyed I’m not talking about basic love making but a bi-yearly blowjob would go a long way and give him something to look forward to It’s cheaper then a present on his birthday less work then shopping around for an expensive Christmas present and just as much appreciated as a diamond ring No blowjobs means more porn surfing That simple. It is well known that in later life King Henry VIII was grossly overweight and possibly suffered from both gout and syphilis In his younger days however he had been a very active man His increased size dates from a jousting accident in 1536 He suffered a thigh wound which not only prevented him from taking exercise but which gradually became ulcerated and may have indirectly led to his death Henry died in 1547 at Whitehall in London and was buried at Windsor At his death King Henry VIII left three children each of whom had a turn on the English throne: Edward VI Mary I (“Bloody” Mary) and Elizabeth I. Now he knows that I’ve seen the images The last 2 days he has come home from work and gone straight to our room where he lies in the dark by himself He hasn’t talked to me and he hasn’t touched his computer He leaves me notes when he leaves at 4 a.m for work saying he is ashamed to face me that he will go anywhere that I want (counseling) and how bad that he feels that I’m hurting etc But he has not apologized or said a word about what he has done His Bible is lying on the counter where he left it church on Sunday That is what concerns me the most (what is going on with him spiritually) I know that we won’t make any progress until he is broken before the Lord over this One final question I am actively seeking help for both of us and I am strongly leaning towards a ministry that offers nouthetic counseling and specializes in addictions Any thoughts on this? Thank you again for taking the time to respond. Husband how is your bitterness expressed in real life? It is expressed in anything and everything that is outside of “love.” What are some examples? When your wife fails to compliment you and build your ego she strikes at your most basic need Yet you are to love her anyway and show her kindness When she fails to thank you for the many things you have done to support her you are to love her anyway and continue to provide for her When she befriends those who have abused your generosity even takes the other side with sympathetic understanding against you you must be understanding and gentle toward her Hard as that is it is your unconditional covenant responsibility. One thing I forgot to add During our discussion she mentioned (which is exactly how I feel too) is that we get along great! We laugh together spend time together (not on dates 4 kids with allergies and not knowing anyone who understand the importance of no gluten in our house…) we don’t have a problem with the way each other is parenting every other aspect of our seems to be in good shape It’s just intimacy and it seems that whole component of feelings I guess that is vacant (on her end though) I can manage to get a hug and kiss just about whenever I want if I approach her but it’s never the other way around I guess I cannot remember the last time she initiated any kind of affection which I think is one thing that hurts me the most This is what I’ve done to her though so I guess I deserve it it’s just hard to deal with and I don’t know what to do or if there’s anything that can. Thank you very much Mr Stoeker! I don’t know anybody in my situation and I felt to talk about our situation to people we know (even our senior couples/friends) would bring dishonor and shame to my husband and put him in a negative light with them from now on I needed answers and prayed that God would show me something and I believe that He led me to this site God is so good to me! So thanks again! My husband has been to my knowledge addicted to pornography for 10 years or more (we have been married for 16 years) no matter what I do he cannot give it up He has been to a Recovery Course but still I find this stuff on his computer I have largely stayed with him because of our child who is now 14 and I feel I could possibly leave him now I honestly believes that he hates me and my christian faith (which he calls extreme) Why does he not want to have a relationship with me and why is he so cruel ? I feel such guilt in allowing him to do this to me Your thoughts please. Let’s talk about next steps You’ve made it clear you can’t be around him when he’s using porn Now it is time to tell him specifically what you need him to do that will help to rebuild your trust (other than just not looking at porn) Tell him you want him to find good accountability with another man or that you want him to get counseling or that you want him to install Covenant Eyes on all his devices so his Internet is monitored If he is unwilling to do basic steps that show he wants to change then its time to put up some very clear boundaries with him I recommend you watch this video with Vicki Tiede about that and then reach out to her if you feel like you need added support. I knew my husband used to have a problem with pornography; he was honest with me about this before we even dated My impression however was that it USED to be a problem He never looked at porn while we dated but two weeks we got married he admitted to me that he was looking at internet porn from work! My husband has been very honest to my knowledge everytime he has looked at pornographic images and most of the time he volunteers the information without me asking him knowing how bad it will hurt me again and the risk it poses on the He seems to be doing better and I know he is sincere in his desire to stop but what can I do to encourage him when I still hurt so bad? How can I feel better about myself again? Trust isn’t the hardest thing for me because he has been honest but our sex life is suffering because I feel so ugly What can. Luke I have just read the string of posts here as you suggested This is horrendous How can you bare to read all this pain We have lost all our men to the Devil where is the victory ? 1 Should my wife be my accountability partner? The experts give their answer 2 Spying on Your Husband on the Computer 3 Are Husbands Supposed to Be Accountable to Their Wives? Let me know if these articles are a help. Thanks for letting me know what is going on It is good he is facing the shame of his actions Of course I would hate for that shame to become so toxic he runs from you and God and everyone who could help him but it is good for him to face the shame of his choices It will make the grace of God all the sweeter when he encounters it I agree: a good nouthetic counselor would be very good to find Have you tried looking on the NANC directory? I’m not sure you can search via speciality but my suggestion would be to start calling some counseling offices in your area and get a sense for their personal experience with sex addiction. I know that enrichment and overcoming pornography are two distinct issues but he might be more open to dealing with latent porn issues if he knows your overall goal is the enrichment of your Just a thought You might really enjoy this book: Porn and Your Husband It is free to download on our website. This is a conversation you need to have with her for sure It sounds like she faults you not just for sinning but being tempted (I mean in an external sense surrounded by tempting images in everyday life) If you spot a woman jogging and you think she is attractive but you are conscious of the temptation and turn your eye away does your wife want to know that? If you have a thought about a woman you saw on a billboard but you are conscious of it and do your best to put the thought out of your mind is that the kind of thing she wants to know about? If so ask her why that information is important to her? Is she offended at you personally because you live in a world where tempting things exist? These are examples of being tempted not sinning and there is a big difference Even Jesus lived in a world surrounded by temptations. By failures I mean: masturbation; im still struggling to overcome my thought life its a battle but I am having much more victory than defeat another failure would be we went shopping for her some clothes we walked by an adversitment of a woman in a bikini I saw it looked away but when she wasn’t looking I did look again when we got home she asked me a blanket question of do you have anything to tell me and comeing from her that could mean anything from dreams inappropriate thoughts see something even as simple as a snap fitness bill board with a woman on it in a tanktop not baring any cleavage or anything all they way to did I see something at the magazine rack my the check out stand I told her what I had seen and that’s another example of a failure. Wow Get a new counselor or at least stop going to that one That one is filling your head with lies It is absolutely your business what your husband does with his sexuality This person has no basis for what they are telling you (And every sex addiction specialist would tell him that.) As for your husband he should not be denying you intimacy in your Has he said what his hangup is? Does he just want to have more quality time with you to build romance? Great Do that Make time for that If your husband needs advice from a good porn addiction expert I recommend he read something by Dr Doug Weiss Dr Mark Laaser or Joe Dallas These men understand the need for absolutely honesty and transparency in a when it comes to. I’m so sorry Amanda I hope you’re finding the support you need through this tough time! Please let me know if you’re stumped for resources and we’ll see what else might be useful to you Praying right now for courage comfort peace safety healing and hope For all of you Blessings to. Bravo Fred for your wisdom here in the article and in the following comments! God has given you much insight and grace to share to those of us hurting from sexual sin Thank you for your encouragement to continue to be open and honest patient and consistently faithful in my actions I began my recovery 4 months ago and most days have been hard and rocky God’s given me a great support network in a licensed counselor specializing in sex addiction new friends and accountability partners in my Celebrate Recovery group and several resources to work through I hear familiar words in the comments of the wives above My wife and I are still working through this and we still have those hard tense conversations I know years of work are ahead of us Thanks too to Covenant Eyes for this blog and their accountability software The software has been one tool I can use to help reassure. Whatever your husband chooses I hope you’ll find some local support for yourself Pure Desire has groups for spouses in some locations xxxChurch has online support groups for spouses Celebrate Recovery isn’t porn-specific but it’s good support for all the bumps and bruises of life and it’s in lots and lots of places The American Association of Christian Counselors has a network of counselors all over the country so that’s a good place to check for a therapist if you’d like one Blessings and prayers Kay Hi Sarah There are a number of issues here to consider First I do think it was wise for him to give up use of his smartphone at least for now If it is a stumbling block for him it might be best for him to be without it for a while Another option is that he agree to use an accountability service for his smartphone This will monitor where he goes online and send reports to someone he trusts to hold him accountable It has been a very effective tool for men who struggle in this area Second your emotional reaction to his porn use is quite justified You’ve been lied to Your husband’s eyes have feasted on images of other women Your outrage hurt and disgust are normal reactions to his betrayal. “but to this man will I look even to him that is poor and of a contrite spirit and trembleth at my word” (Isa 66:2) Christian wife will you tremble at His word? You must humble yourself otherwise you will excuse your disobedience through your own pride and self justification. As for initiating sex? When I hear what you’ve said about it and your attempts to converse–that doesn’t sound great to me the arguing and excuses I’d like to see you moving toward an ability to just have a conversation about any/all of the issues surrounding his recovery I would say try to have a conversation about it more from the angle of “I just want to understand what’s happening”–try it that way when it’s not in the moment And seriously just try to listen and understand his perspective. I’m not saying you shouldn’t show him compassion or understanding I do believe he needs to be able to say to you “I recognize that I broke your trust and that you shouldn’t just give trust back to me I need to earn it What does rebuilding trust look like. Forgiveness in my opinion is completely separate from trust I think we can do what the Bible says about forgiveness (God has forgiven us so much so we forgive each other) and still not be able to trust the person because they’re still not trustworthy I think we can forgive and still have hurt feelings and anger and anxiety that take time to heal Forgiveness doesn’t mean that it doesn’t matter It doesn’t mean that we turn off our brains and have no boundaries All that to say I think trust can be pretty straightforward on the behavioral level: trustworthy people behave in trustworthy ways over time and then we trust them Forgiveness however involves our feelings and our belief system and is much more complicated. I’m glad you were blessed by the videos! We have some interesting discussions on our blog about the divorce question (this post is getting the bulk of the discussion; it quotes Hambrick’s article) Truthfully this is still an issue I’m working out in my own mind so I’ll refrain from trying to give an answer. Luke I have just been looking at your blog The Lazy or Apathetic Self Centred Spouse and this type really fits … “One of the marks of lazy or apathetic self-centeredness is complaining that too much is being asked of him/her or on the flipside labeling their spouse as being demanding with overly high expectations Discussions about what is reasonable can begin to feel absurd The lazy or apathetic spouse makes every request seem like a big deal and their areas of neglect seem normal In these cases the offended spouse begins to be forced into the role of a parent more than a spouse If the home is going to function they must be “the responsible adult.” The lazy or apathetic spouse enjoys being cared for but rarely if ever expresses gratitude However they also resent this because it causes them to feel like a child or juvenile. Last night we made love but he fell asleep really fast I felt good but when he started snoring…the panic set in I all the sudden felt used All the old feelings came up I know he didn’t mean anything by it but I couldn’t help it I told him how I felt this morning and he got frustrated Not only was be frustrated but later on in the day he went as far to say that I don’t care about his feelings of frustration and how frustrating and hard it is to pursue sex with me because I have all these “problems.” In so many words I heard “you are ruining sex for me.” And naturally my feelings were you ruined it for me 10 years ago and contined to do so…am I supposed to feel bad. You already know that you didn’t cause his addiction nor can you control it You already know that porn standards aren’t realistic and that no living breathing in-the-flesh woman can compete with a harem of online fantasy women The fault is not with you You know this already but oftentimes the heart is really slow to believe that It will take time but change is possible Your husband is being insensitive right now to your needs To him he’s been keeping a secret about the depths of this problem for years Now that the secret is out his feeling is one of relief but you’ve not had years to think about this He should be more patient. He may be closed off to the idea of getting more help for his pornography issue (which is a shame) but perhaps you can approach him about getting help enriching your You might say something like this: “I know I’ve been frustrating you recently because of my own insecurities I’m still adjusting to everything and I would appreciate your patience That said I don’t want our to stay where it is I want to grow in intimacy with you I want us to have the best sex and romance we can have and that involves both of us growing together learning to communicate better Are you willing to learn with me how we can become better lovers?” Then propose some ideas about enrichment: see a counselor read a book or curriculum together go on a retreat etc. Oh ooops! I replied before reading this extra comment Forgiveness Well it sounds like you’re really angry which is normal and I would say a HEALTHY response to the threat of your being destroyed The way you handle your anger you’ll have to judge I think we can be angry without sinning but it’s hard! Those feelings of anxiety when you’re separated are also very normal Hopefully if he’s really being trustworthy you’ll be able to take that into account over time and some of these really raw feelings will settle. I know exactly how this ruins a My husband and I have been having marital issues due to his addiction He came back from deployment and still treated me like dirt while preg go with our daughter 2 weeks before I delivered I caught him on Internet dating sites and all other kinds of smutsmutsmut I Again Greg I hope you sense zero judgment in what I’ve typed I think your situation sounds incredibly difficult I have prayed for you specifically posting this response. Save my name email and website in this browser for the next time I comment ….sorry but my first post accidentally posted without being finished….here is the finish….what I’m saying is that once your husband is trustworthy again which he seems to be then it is your job to trust again To have faith To believe As Brenda and I said in Every Heart often times the husband is the original problem but then when he repents and becomes trustworthy the wife becomes more of the problem to rebuilding because she won’t forgive and won’t trust again God is clear in scripture that repentance needs to be treated with forgiveness I would recommend the book Believing God by Beth Moore to help you strengthen yourself in God enough to be able to let go of your fear and unforgiveness Fear and unforgiveness are very difficult sometimes and Beth Moore will be very helpful to you as someone with good truth to come alongside you in this and to help you face the future with faith. This scares me I love him so much He really is a good man and I believe he loves me and wants to be better But I feel like he lacks the understanding that 10+ years of this can’t be fixed so fast and it’s going to require a lot of work on his part for me to get past it Yet I already feel guilty like I’m bothering him and making his life miserable Any suggestions on how to get him to understand what I need and why I need it so badly I’m so scared with his current attitude on track that I will lose him to this all. We did go to 2 different forms of counsoling the first was with our pastor the second was a retired minister and his wife both thought that my wife was being unrealistic with the amount of openness she has demanded and when they confronted her with that she kept her mouth shut but once we were alone she let me know that its not how she wants it and that she should be allowed to set the level of honesty in her not someone on the outside ive expressed that I think its does us more harm than good but she disagrees and holds he position on it it just hurts that anytime I struggle with my sin we have this huge fight she says that things will never change ill never change and that she just wants a divorce. There is a lot of helpful stuff here Thank you Yeah I know I can’t just force him to want it I almost wish I could tho I like your article You make a lot of good point and bring up stuff I haven’t considered Yes the possibility is there we’re just not. I am so sorry about the sad situation I in am in in my and know it’s not really possible for ministers or counsellors to stand in my shoes and give advice about the Will of God for me I have to make personal decisions about my relationship myself however painful It seems to me there are four aspects to a relationship respect trust understanding and love and sometimes a wife still loves her husband even when all trust has been broken there is no respect left and neither can grow in their understanding of each other in the relationship because of fundamentally different world views and by this stage I believe my husband is incapable of having a true relationship or sacrificially loving anybody So…i guess what I am saying is this could be a long and difficult road And without honesty total honesty and openness it will be futile I love my husband forgive him fear losing him fear for his faith but would LOVE to some day feel I know everything so I can forgive everything. Dear Luke Thanks for the reply I may come back to you again later but for the present there’s a lot to pray and think about We have tried living apart and monitoring but John just stopped paying for it so Stop It Now took it away I am now on the point of asking him to leave permanently I am sure God does not want this miserly for me and my self respect has at last said enough is enough I do really need to think about what is the best for our son As you can see this is not a position I have come to lightly and my prayer is that the LORD will guide me in the way forward It is really as though there is no left anymore It is an empty shell For all spiritual emotional and practical purposes my husband ‘left me’ a long long time ago Warmest regards in Christ and under His. © 2018 Covenant Eyes | Legal Hi Sarah Your husband sounds like a lot of men I’ve met On one hand his efforts are commendable It is good that you see a change in his behavior It is good that he has sought out accountability On the other hand it sounds like you both need to set some expectations about what is “off-limits.” I agree: you should have 100% access to his phone and other electronics No question there It will work much better however if you have a conversation about those expectations Have you suggested to your wife that you lack of intimacy is unhealthy and that you would like to explore with a counselor or pastor the reasons why this is happening. Want to write for the Covenant Eyes blog? Submit a draft of your work to us We're looking for engaging authors who want to share some of their personal wisdom with our readers View all posts by Guest Author → So she doesn’t want to have sex with you more than once a year and the problem is your lack of self-control Yes porn is a matter of self-control but a sexless is another issue entirely If she’s “done with it” as far as the porn goes then fine But what does she say when you want to have sex with her? I’m not at all discounting the pain that betrayal can cause in the heart of a woman Not at all I’m just trying to understand: Does she believe a sexless a without physical intimacy is a good ? Does she want to change that? The counseling is to help her as much as it would be to. Hi Ginny Writing a letter may be a good place to start In regards to his porn use in particular I’d also recommend having him read two resources The first is our recovery guide for wives While it’s written for women like you we’ve also heard from men who used it to gain insight into their wives’ feelings Then share this blog post by Dr Doug Weiss about wives and accountability Even if you don’t use Internet Accountability software it’s a good reminder that it is your right as his wife to choose how much or how little you know about his online habits. Thanks for sharing your story with us I’m so sorry your husband’s issues and your insecurities are colliding I pray you can recover and grow from these experiences I hope our education here is helpful. If he’s a habitual liar which is how it sounds from your story you may want to encourage him to seek professional support to help open up lines of communication and trust. It is also important for him to understand what you are expecting regarding his disposition Believe his behavior yes But what he says can also be an indication of his heart and his understanding of how much he’s hurt you (this excellent article by Joe Dallas is about that.) It would probably build your trust far more if he was at least verbally acknowledging the seriousness of. When porn has been a part of his life for so long I would expect him to continue to struggle for a while He CAN get well no doubt about it It’s just going to take hard work on his part and having good support makes a huge difference As for you you’ll need time and support to heal too I don’t think there’s one right way for every person to handle this It’s such an individual thing knowing your own relationship and your own heart and making decisions for yourself We talk a lot about having good boundaries here on the blog And one of our most popular free downloads Hope Porn is the stories of four different women and the choices they made in recovery Two people of different gender in one make for both exhilarating fellowship and awful heartache when each fails to understand and practice the unconditional requirements of the covenant By way of review what are those most fundamental requirements once again? Wife you must “submit to,” and “reverence” your husband Husband you must “love,” and “be not bitter against” your wife Plain and simple in command but more difficult in practice. Luke my GP has recommended me to Clouds House and their Families Plus programme supporting people like me They have suggested I keep a diary so I though your might be moved to tears by what the reality of my life over the last few weeks has been DIARY 21st December 2014 and recent past Hey I’m glad you wrote Here’s the bottom line He’s going to have to take responsibility for himself Internet accountability educating himself and getting some help through a group or a personal therapist Here’s an article for him some ideas to get started with There are also tons of free resources here on the website This can’t be your job! I know you know that Here’s an article I wrote a while back about boundaries with porn when you’re dating I know you aren’t really dating YET–but there’s the possibility right? So check these ideas and let me know what you think HE HAS TO DO THE WORK That’s really the takeaway here HE has to. Really reverence him? That’s right wife Reverence that very man strange as that may sound to you now all you have been through Read the words in your own Bible You are commanded to do something toward him which is not conditional upon what he does in return Do you believe that? Will you do that? You are commanded to look up to him even when he leaves his dirty socks where they came off his feet even when he forgets to say “thank you,” you’ve fixed his favorite meal even when he spends more time petting the family collie than in listening to you But that’s not fair you object! Hey Holly Well honestly I’m encouraged because I think you guys are already making healthy changes in going to therapy individually and together That is EXCELLENT Of course the work is just beginning–but at least it’s beginning! I’m also encouraged that your husband is attentive to you We don’t always hear that! I know you’re hurting and I think it’s going to be HUGE for you to let yourself feel as bad as you feel I think going to therapy and pouring all that out with your counselor will be so good I know it’s scary to think about dumping all that on your husband when it seems like he’s got all he can handle as it is I think at some point you’ll need to let him in on that hurt though Let him help. To rebuild trust the husband must act decisively to become trustworthy again A wife can’t do her part (trust him again) until he has done his part (become trustworthy) Men don’t always like that first responsibility but it is true Our wives can do some things in the relationship without our help of course For instance Brenda can love me simply by choosing to do so no matter how badly I treat her or betray her She can forgive me over and over again even if I never ask her to do so She can also commit her heart faithfully to me no matter how adulterous my heart may grow in return But trust can’t exist in a vacuum like this Trust can only exist in relationship Brenda can only genuinely trust me when she has full confidence in my faithfulness when she’s not around Only one thing can bring that confidence—my consistent faithful actions Without right actions I can’t have her trust If I want her trust it’s all. Tell him “You may have overcoming some hurdles and if so that’s great But understand that trust is something earned I am willing to trust you again of course because I love you But it isn’t an automatic thing Here’s what rebuilding trust looks like to me It means you continue to acknowledge that despite your growth you are still temptable It means you need to understand that I don’y draw a sharp line between porn and the nudity in a mainstream movie: both are meant to provoke lust It also means if the tools you were using before to keep you ‘back from the edge’ were working (accountability filtering etc.) then I want you to keep using them Even if you have gained a measure of victory those tools are as much to help me as they help you: they help me see how serious you are about this.” Start there and see where the conversation goes. This is a nice little 3 minute video worth watching /watch?v=xO_mW2LYXRo It breaks my heart to read this Is the journaling helping? Hello again Luke Is no one else posting on this line anymore ? Here is an update on my situation which I have sent to the addiction recovery people who have been counselling my husband for the last couple of years I thought you may be interested Dear Noel Thank you for your ‘Battleground of the Mind’ Flyer for next week As John has no doubt told you I asked him to leave the matrimonial home at the beginning of January which he did On Boxing Day night I had gone to bed he downloaded 250 pages of perverse sexual literature which I emailed over to my lawyer the. Henry VIII greatly improved English seapower and instituted an efficient navy Throughout his life he was an avid gambler playing at dice tables and cards The other major achievement of Henry's reign was the Act of Union of 1536 which effectively brought Wales under English government with the result that the first Welsh members of parliament were elected in 1542 Henry was proud of his own Welsh blood In 1533 Henry introduced the first legislation against homosexuals with the Buggery Act making “buggery” punishable by hanging a penalty not finally lifted. There may not be many women who have experienced this kind of problem before but it is not unlike many other twisted forms of porn addiction He needs to be confronted about this He might try to justify himself by saying that he was trying to be faithful to you by making you the center of his fantasies but if this is his plan it is actually counterproductive They are robbing your of intimacy They are filling his mind with unrealistic expectations They are driving him more inward into fantasy not outward toward real romance They are training him to sexualize violence They are training his mind to objectify you (He can read more about this in the free e-books we have on our website.) I recommend he seek help for this problem from a trained counselor. Oddly enough this gave me hope I had never seen him so vulnerable empathetic and understanding to my feelings The next couple of days were followed with a high of sorts He was taking initiative I felt comfortable getting close to him for the first time in years He admitted to feeling so much better with his new resolve We started to have sex again which has been great! but then things started to change I ask him to read some books and he fought me on it He finally agreed to read this little 10 page book but not without a fight first He did benefit from the short read but I am now fearful to ask for more I also have these little breakdowns where I feel insecure and need reassurance and love He makes it very clear that he is tired of them They happen every few days A lot of times sex or if I ask him to do something to reassure or help me trust him and he’s reluctant That’s about right yes Obviously your recovery as an individual and your recovery as a couple are not separate issues but the major goal is the overall health of your and getting to the bottom of the lack of intimacy (physically speaking) She needs to unearth why she is so evasive and you need to discover how you can treat her in a way that engenders more trust and affection I’m sure you both have something valuable to learn by sitting down and talking with someone. These agonizing questions reveal why a wounded wife needs your patience so desperately She’s been crushed and turned inside out and she needs the time to get back on her feet again spiritually Don’t get discouraged Stand up like a man and continue to live this new life God has given you patiently She’ll catch up Besides your patience is really a sign of your level of repentance and that will be a crucial sign of trustworthiness to her If you don’t have patience it is a troubling red flag to everyone involved and it should be to you as well It means you simply aren’t where you need to be before God Some husbands get irritated and complain “What kind of Christian woman are you that you can’t relax and trust me again?” That kind of attack is outright spiritual abuse and it comes out of the same weak character root that sent you into sexual sin in the first place A deeper repentance is definitely. Hi Naomi Your situation sounds beyond rough It pains me to hear stories like this Your commitment to your family is admirable It is good you haven’t bailed on your yet (even though many women would have done so) It is also good that you recognize that to some extent you are partially responsible for enabling your husband The more boundaries you can put in place to guard your heart and sanity more he will understand that porn is something you cannot tolerate His attempts at recovery haven’t stood the test of time and this might partially be because of his animosity toward your beliefs If he’s hit a point where he links his “recovery” with trying to please you and your Christian convictions (convictions that he hates) then it doesn’t surprise me that he’s still sneaking around. Great question April It breaks my heart to heart your story There’s no doubt when a woman is reduced to “spying” on her husband something in the has gone wrong His repeated untrustworthiness has caused you great pain Trust is something that should be earned not just given willy-nilly You instinctively understand this: this is one reason why you search his web history You want to see for yourself proof of change and his browser history is one of the only ways you know how to see change I do believe that “spying” is not the ideal solution He should be voluntarily opening his life to you Part of the problem for him in the secrecy: this is one of the things that drives the addiction for him The way out is confession He needs to get honest with himself and others and talk about the problem He needs to get honest with you and volunteer the information he has customarily hidden from you all. My latest struggle though is the constant searching When I get home from work before he does I scroll through his computer and email…whatever I can look through to try to find where he has fallen I don’t know if I think it will make me feel better to know exactly what is going on? I have only found proof twice but thoughts still flood my mind All day I face the battles wondering what he has seen how deep his exposure goes and if he has ever been involved with anyone online or elsewhere I cannot help but wonder if anything has been hidden from me even though there’s pretty solid proof that there isn’t. I think that’s the truth the Holy Bible and therefore our LORD Jesus Christ does not allow divorce where there is pornography but that is not what we want to hear He obviously doesn’t allow fornication or so that just leaves celibate separation or subject to abuse It’s a. I have now sadly come to the conclusion that he is either unwilling or unable or both to control this lustful and perverse desire and have therefore determined that we can no longer live together as man and wife I find his perversion disgusting and quite honestly I do not know how I have stood it for so long Social Service who are now engaged again are of exactly the same mine and do not want John to return to the family home again as an appropriate protection for his son John Junior I have peace about this new situation and our son John Junior is thriving having come out from his father’s dominating and oppressive spirit Keep up the good work with the addicts and please give my regards to Dawn Warmest regards in Christ Naomi You might appreciate the online resources at Bloom for Women and a therapist for yourself is not a bad idea either to help you process these emotions that you’re dealing with. Search. As far as talking to your wife about these things there is a fine line between honesty/openness/transparency and a wife’s overwhelming obsession with your thought-life I’ll tread softly as I say this because I don’t want to be misunderstood There are some men who ere on the side of too much secrecy They’ve had their secret life of sin and now that they’re making strides to change they have their secret recovery life as well They will not be open with their spouse about any progress they are making (or not making) They are even counseled by therapists to do this This sort of secrecy does no one any favors If that is a man’e tendency these articles may be. I have she says she wants to know that she can trust me and that I am telling her everything she says she tells me everything I doubt that cause I know I don’t ask that of her that she tell me every single thing she see and does I just try my best to trust God to work on her heart and I know in time I will see the fruit. At this point it might be best to lay down some boundaries in your relationship I highly recommend you read this series of posts (especially the last one) to help you do that In the end his choices are his but he needs to know that you will not tolerate him filling his mind with images of other women You also need support for yourself Have you been able to talk to others about this? Do you have a spousal recovery group you can attend? Are there any people who can mentor you right now? I highly recommend you read this free book written to women in. You might appreciate our free download Hope Porn where several women talk about their boundaries in recovery Also here and here are some articles on boundaries that might be helpful to you And here’s an article about how porn and divorce are addressed in the Bible It’s quite different from what most churches say about porn and divorce so it might helpful I hope those resources are helpful to you Please let me know if you have other questions Blessings Kay You are correct in pointing out that a woman using a sex toy or reading a steamy romance novel for her own arousal is just as sinful as a man who uses pornography; “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” But please keep in mind that posts like this are helping wives who are dealing with the initial feelings of betrayal when they discover their husband’s porn use One survey found that 70% of wives of porn users exhibited symptoms of PTSD making the discovery While each wife will undoubtedly need to work through sin issues of her own that is something that will be addressed in counseling or a support group. I am just so so sorry for the sad situation in your It’s heart breaking I think you’re finding that you can’t save your alone Your husband has to be fighting for it too He has to do the work of fighting for his own heart his own choices his own behavior The good news is: that absolutely can happen! It happened for us! The scary thing is he has to get in the game and DO the work himself If you can’t afford counseling any more I would suggest that you look for support for YOU through a free group like Celebrate Recovery or S-anon (for spouses of sex addicts) There are also affordable options online at xxxChurch. Hey Jonathan I think there are two very important things to keep in mind First you absolutely must rebuild behavioral trust Your wife must be able to trust you again BECAUSE YOU BECOME TRUSTWORTHY You must take responsibility for yourself and your choices If getting rid of electronics is helpful to you fine If your church is able to help you with that great If however your church counseling program does not help you move along in recovery you might want to find a counselor who specializes in sexual addiction therapy Here is a directory I would also encourage you to find a group to attend a place where you can be real with other men about your choices and the impact they’ve had on. I caught my husband looking at I confronted him he came clean but I know he was not completely apologized however when I told him my feelings and how my trust for him was lost he tried to imply he did it so he wouldn’t go out and when he saw me reading this website he said can you just get over it already and said it was my fault for not being around him alot.I was a full time worker whose job is an hour from my house.i got home 8 or 9 every night.I am Christian and want to work things out but I just found out this morning and he’s already telling me to get over is also Christian I tried to explain to him that it is cheating in my eyes and in Gods eyes.I don’t know what to do if his attitude doesn’t show remorse how can I stay. Great questions Kelly I don’t think a can survive without trust I couldn’t live in the kind of situation where you do have to check up and you’re always on alert Your husband absolutely does have to do the work to ensure that he is trustworthy and that will only happen by trustworthy behavior over time I think there are two kinds of trust that need to be rebuilt: behavioral trust (he does his recovery work faithfully) and emotional trust (he cares about how you feel and invests emotionally in the relationship) Here’s an article I wrote a while back that explains Of course it is because her husband is not being completely open and honest How about you? How much detail are you willing to give your wife in your answers to her questions? You need to be willing to give her as much as she needs She deserves that The party’s over my friend It is time to quit hiding and to be who you say you are 2) Your Patience as She Heals Your wife deserves all the patience she needs too Betrayal’s damage demands gentle care and you owe her that much simply out of restitution if nothing else You wounded her You need to help her heal Make no mistake the damage is real and healing takes time Megan describes her experience: That said what do you do in the interim before he’s ready to make that step? I recommend you dig into the following articles and podcasts There’s a lot of information that might help you 1 Are Husbands Supposed to Be Accountable to Their Wives? 2 7 Questions Wives of Porn Addicts Often Ask – 3-post series by a Christian counselor 3 Including Wives in Accountability Relationships: Who protects the wife when a man protects his secrets? – Post by. You’Ve both had troubles for years You have both cried your eyes out off and on You have tried just about everything you know short of divorce and failed Want to try something new? OK then try God’s simple word his plan for meeting the most fundamental needs of your mate Change your approach that is if you value your enough Do you want to save your ? No one but you is keeping you from taking the first step Wife show him some genuine respect Reverence that man as a last resort and see what blessings God will bring your way Husband show that woman some genuine sacrificial love that is if you still do really do care about her When you do that she will know it and God will be there working on. Thank you for the informative comments and also finding out I’m not alone! I wish every man would understand that women are SO attracted to faithful loyal honest men Being with my husband and KNOWING it’s just us two and how deep our love is is by far the most erotic thing I’ve ever experienced as it is with him Why do men forget that? I also think the key to getting over the pain and mistrust is that the husband “gets” how much it hurts us Too many want to make light of it and say it’s “nothing’ as if that will make us feel better That only hurts us more Part of deep love is respect This is an action that says there is NO respect and that is the most painful of all Respect should be shown at all times even if the spouse never finds out And yet I’ll bet every man that has been ‘caught’ would be devastated if their wife left them Again why do they forget this? “wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands as it is fit in the Lord Husbands love your wives and be not bitter against them” (Col 3:18-19) It is a common falsehood among Christian husbands who sometimes promote the idea that wives are lesser beings since they are commanded to “submit yourselves unto your own husbands as unto the Lord” (Eph 5:22) Is the wife just his doormat for wiping his shoes? Is she little more than his workhorse who irons his shirts cooks his meals cleans his house and bears his children? Obviously no Christian man really wants that kind of a wife though men often reduce their wives to second class citizen status by the way they thoughtlessly treat these delicate creatures What is she to do about it? Must the wife rebel or is there “a more excellent way” (1Cor 12:31) for a Godly wife to love a thoughtless husband? It;s been almost 3 years since I caugh tnmy husband in all his lies about porn It has destroyed me in so many ways Yes we are still together because I love him But in all honesty there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t cry feel betrayed feel stupid and naive feel sad feel he had a choice an dhis choice wae not me I have always felt that in any kind of relationship the 3 most importnat things are Love Trust and Respect Once one of them crumbles so will the other two and the realtionship will be hurt I cannot ever trust my husband again I belived in him totally and that can no longer be Once your falls apart you can glue it back together but the porcelian will not be. Khris this is exactly what porn addiction is: much like an addition to alcohol or drugs First understand that there is hope for you in this Change is very possible I cannot tell you whether your wife will ever trust you but if you are willing to make changes in your life you can break free from this addiction Thousands have done this Making these changes may also go a long way to rebuilding the trust You would be interested in this free e-book The Porn Circuit It will really help you wrap your mind around your addiction. It would be good to know why she wants to know about the temptations around you Have you ever. I will pray for the decisions you need to. Also I’ve written a bunch about my own journey on my blog Here’s a post from a couple of years ago with some ideas that might help I also just released a memoir a few weeks ago that’s available at Amazon There are lots of resources here on the blog and in so many other places but mostly today I just want you to know that you’re not alone and this is not a death sentence You’re walking with a sisterhood in this Lots of wives in cases like this actually meet the clinical criteria for PTSD And so I’d say while your husband is finding help you could also find yourself a counselor someone who can listen to you and help you process your emotions in a place where you are just being cared for Praying for you–Kay Hi Tiffany Have you read Porn and Your Husband yet? It will lay out some next steps for your You may even want to have your husband read it so he has an idea of what his porn use is doing to you emotionally Regardless of what else you do you should definitely seek out professional help for both your husband and his porn use as well as yourself and the trauma you’ve been facing You may want to ask your pastor for suggestions And if anyone you speak to tries to brush off his porn use or says you just need to forgive him without addressing his behavior then find a different person to. Third understand that not being “good enough” is a common lie women in your position believe To someone who retreats to pornography no one woman can live up to a fantasy world In that fantasy porn world he is the only thing that matters: the women in that world exist to satisfy him This is one reason why men like porn so much: it is a place to escape from “real life” where they can feel all-important and attractive and can cater to their selfish whims In men are called to die to themselves and serve their families. Hey That’s what I’m here for :) Yes both things are true: Your is worth fighting for AND you are worth fighting for Mostly you just have control over your own self tho That’s the thing that’s tough to work through xxxChurch has online support groups You could also try contacting The Oaks Counseling which is a group out of Austin TX that offers online counseling services to folks abroad I haven’t used them myself but I have friends I trust who say they do a. 8 months of I finally found what was distancing my new husband from me I was absolutely crushed it took a while but I finally got back on my feet I prayed everyday that I wouldn’t judge him and show him as much mercy as the Lord has shown me Just as I was feeling a new miniscule but important amount of trust again I found things in his email outbox from a few weeks before we got married More pictures but this time a “friend” of his that I had trusted I am devastated The pain is here all over again but this time I’m furious I know it was about 9 months ago but that doesn’t change the fact that it happened I feel so close to my breaking point If it weren’t for the Lord sustaining me I would have already left my husband How will I ever trust. Lev 18:30 Therefore shall ye keep mine ordinance that ye commit not any one of these abominable customs and that ye defile not yourselves therein: I am the LORD your God Although John has “only” done the pornography not the act itself he has committed “in his heart” thousands if not tens of thousands of times MT 5:27 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time Thou shalt not commit : MT 5:28 But I say unto you That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust her hath committed with her already in his heart MT 5:29 And if thy right eye offend thee pluck it out and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish and not that thy whole body should be cast. Hello Thank you for taking the time to write this I came across it looking for materials on how to get past this myself It’s been about 3 weeks since I discovered my husbands porn addiction Well actually I have cought him several times over the last 10+ years and he promised to stop many times but just recently when I realized how excessive it has gotten and how badly it was effecting him as not just a husband but a person It took seeing that he was visiting questionable sites with girls who looked clearly under 18 to push me over the edge and give him the ultimatum of porn or me The porn was changing him He was very responsive at first telling me that he always felt bad doing it that he won’t do it again that he will do anything to save our I saw him for one of the first times with no wall up crying with honesty flowing out. Hey Amanda I don’t know about the “just curious” story Most guys today are totally aware of porn and what it’s all about Most are exposed to porn at very early ages “Just curious?” Color me “just suspicious.” Unless he grew up under a rock with no internet access and no friends with internet access? I don’t think so I think his trustworthy behavior is absolutely key to your trust He needs to demonstrate that he is trustworthy by adding blocking/filtering software and being honest and open with you Also he needs to be trustworthy by turning toward you emotionally and being willing to listen to how you feel about this Here’s an article I wrote a while back about behavioral trust vs emotional trust. I think it in no way a professional but thats just scary and way careful. Here’s the weblink it looks very good It is too late for my husband of course /#get-the-facts So she doesn’t want you to sin and she doesn’t want you to get help for sin? Does she know that is weird? Sorry to be blunt I know her hurt is real just as yours is about her so I’m not trying to belittle that But her guilting you for finding help is a perfect example of how the trauma of porn causes insanity. Your Brain on PornDownload Now Footer Subscribe to Pure Minds Online Enter your email address to get tips trends statistics and support to keep your family safe and your integrity intact online Same thing here for me except its my wife I am lost. 1 What Every Wife of a Sex Addict Has a Right to Know About Her Husband’s Recovery 2 When Porn Shattered My Fairytale World 3 “I’m getting married so I don’t need Internet Accountability anymore.” 4 Honesty in : Should my wife be my accountability partner when it comes. Henry was created Prince of Wales the death of his older brother Arthur Prince of Wales A dispensation from Pope Julius II was necessary in order to allow him to marry his brother's widow Catherine of Aragon and this was obtained on the basis of non-consummation They contracted a on J Following difficulties with Rome over his divorce from Catherine (which was not sanctioned by the Pope who was under pressure from Catherine's nephew Charles V at the time) Henry split from the Roman Catholic Church seized many of the Church's assets and formed the Church of England This became final with the passing of the Act of Supremacy 1536. The other thing I would recommend is John Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Work Gottman is the premier researcher alive today and this book tells you exactly what it takes to make successful (None of it is about sex by the way.) You may get some insight as you read into where the gaps are between “we get along great” and “she’s talked to many people about leaving.” I would also say that a nice ring is not going to solve the problem I think your money is much better spent on therapy for yourself Whatever your wife chooses YOU choose to be healthy Blessings Kay My husband of over 40 years was using porn from free video clips found on Internet He was masterbating to them I suspected then caught him doing this a few times in one week and finally confronted him He was very apologetic for hurting me and explained later that due to his ED problem from prostate surgery he never felt complete He said he had been doing this for a couple of years I suspect longer He said he was done with it Since then I have struggled with forgiveness and trust Why couldn’t he come to me first? We went to church and Bible study together but at night he would engage in the porn He was living. Thanks for sharing with us Naomi I hope you can come to some conclusions based on. Hi Amy First let me say how sorry I am to hear about your pain Men often have no idea how deep this hurt goes As for your question I recommend first you talk with him about what rebuilding trust looks like to you You may be baffled somewhat by that question yourself but a basic rule for rebuilding trust is “Believe Behavior” (read this brief article by Doug Weiss about that) Don’t believe what he says believe what he does He needs to know what behaviors you are expecting that will help you to know you can trust. The advice that I have received from some quarters that God is perfecting me through the pain humiliation and suffering of my seems to be a worldview that God deliberately makes us suffer I don’t believe this can be supported from the Holy Bible’s teachings because I know that God loves me Although we are called to rejoice in our trials Much is said about suffering but normally it’s along the lines that God is with us and wants to help us through such times Suffering that we don’t bring upon ourselves and which is caused by the sin of others requires a choice of three responses Firstly we may choose to resist it as something which comes from the enemy secondly we may choose to endure it the best we can because we know God is with us through it and thirdly we can flee But is a wife who has made a lifelong covenant relationship free. He has not looked at porn in 4 years that I know of but I am afraid to let my trust down How can I trust again He is always home so how can I trust him when he. Fair? What is fair? Is obedience fair? The command to you wife is to “see that she reverence her husband,” and do so joyfully with a good spirit Will you agree with that Scripture? Your reverence for that man is not conditional on his performance of his duties to you any more than the command that husbands “love your wives and be not bitter against them,” is conditional on your respect for him Now you want him to love you right? Then see that you reverence him and wait on God to prompt change in him What if he does not change immediately? Keep on obeying God and reverencing him There is one thing for certain Any wife or husband who takes up the words of God and determines to live by those specific words even stand alone in obedience to God when necessary even in the face of ridicule and rejection is a person who gains God’s respect. Hi Stephanie Have you considered setting some clear boundaries for him? It can be very helpful when trying to reestablish trust especially with a husband who hasn’t been consistent with his commitments I recently did a video about this topic Watch it and let me know if it helps to clear things up for you There are some next steps you can take You are not powerless I also highly recommend you talk with someone face-to-face who can help you out emotionally at this time It is important you have a sounding board and someone who can speak wisdom into your life Do you attend a church anywhere? Thanks for sharing Naomi Your story is heartbreaking I hope he comes to his senses. Did you watch the True Betrayal series I mentioned? There is a complementary one called False Love with is all about freedom for those who are trapped There’s the hope The hope is found in the gospel In know countless men who have been transformed. Cindy I am so sorry I know the title here is “rebuilding trust”–but it’s ONLY wise to trust when other people are trustworthy! If your husband is looking at dating sites and pornography then he’s not being trustworthy He absolutely can become trustworthy again but he’ll have a lot of work to do! Meanwhile you have to decide what kind of boundaries make sense in your particular situation Have you read our free download Hope Porn? I think it might help give you some ideas of how other women have handled their own boundaries in similar situations Let me know if that’s a helpful resource and if you have other questions Blessings Kay Dear Luke The journalling does help to objectify my experiences helps to recognise my feeling responses to the events that happen to me and probably most importantly gives me somewhere to ‘put’ these feelings Here are items. “and unto the married I command yet not I but the Lord Let not the wife depart from her husband: But and if she depart let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.” but of course this does not allow us to remarry and encourages return Thank you for the recommendation of watching these video’s the LORD is doing a great job through Brad Hambrick and his church God. It’s really okay for you to tell him that you’re not interested in being naked around him when he’s looking at porn He needs to do his part and be trustworthy or there’s no reason for you to trust him with your most vulnerable self Having more sex the right kind of sex being skinnier having bigger boobs whatever–none of that will stop him from looking at porn He has to choose that for himself It’s NOT ABOUT YOU I know it’s almost impossible to feel that to be true but I’m telling you: IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU This is a choice he makes It has nothing to do with how you look how you perform or who you are This is HIS BAD CHOICE And he’s the one who needs to make better choices. As these strains become more pronounced and multiply over time the problems seem more and more insurmountable This only confirms the “what good would it do to try” attitude of the passive spouse When things hit a severe crisis he/she may put forth effort for a short time but the lack of “perseverance muscles” result in falling back into old habits quickly.” Secondly no matter what he chooses YOU can choose to be healthy I would suggest that you find a counselor who can help you process through your emotions and work out what healthy boundaries will look like for you There are directories here and here that you can check for someone in your area A support group might also be helpful The truth is a situation like this is traumatic to most women; many will meet the clinical criteria for PTSD It’s so important that you get help just. There is also these verses which I believe are pertinent The land shall vomit them out and cut them off from their people LEV 18:17 Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of a woman and her daughter neither shalt thou take her son’s daughter or her daughter’s daughter to uncover her nakedness; it is wickedness LEV 18:24 Defile not ye yourselves in any of these things: LEV 18:25 And the land is defiled: therefore I do visit the iniquity thereof upon it and the land itself vomiteth out her inhabitants LEV 18:26 Ye shall therefore keep my statutes and my judgments and shall not commit any of these abominations; neither any of your own nation nor any stranger that sojourneth among you: LEV 18:29 For whosoever shall commit any of these abominations even the souls that commit them shall be cut off from among their people. Third is this matter of him photoshopping your face on the women Without conversing with him it’s impossible to know for sure why he’s chosen to do this but if I were to wager a guess it might be a way he justifies looking at porn He might feel like his lust isn’t a problem if he’s thinking about you in the process Of course this is ridiculous for many reasons (1) He has to get the original images which means he has to subject himself to likely thousands of pornographic images to to get the ones he wants (2) Even being photoshopped the images are still a vehicle for his lust Those photos no matter how cleverly edited are. Wife take a step back in time for a moment Did you once fall in love with that man? Were you once so crazy in love with him that you would do anything to be with him even marry him? Your was an unconditional lifetime commitment not a limited contract The only way it will work now is when you individually take up the words of God and make the decision to live by those words Who will go first? What if the husband will not go first? Is he in the right? No he is in the wrong What can you as a wife do about that? Most wives right there make the wrong choice Will you nag and criticize? Will you draw inward and remove your “heart” from that man? Will you separate from him even divorce him? There are very few grounds for separation or divorce in the Bible Even toward the unbelieving husband who is pleased to dwell with the believing wife the wife is given a formula for exercising her highest feminine powers in winning him to Christ: Your wife is not an object to be used for your sexual gratification If she doesn’t want to have sex with you she doesn’t have to The real question is: why doesn’t she want to? I suspect it may be that you’re not investing in the emotional side of the relationship so she’s not interested in the physical side Hi Jane First thank for sharing the details of your story I know it must hurt to relive these past 10+ years What your husband did to you through his deception and lust is deplorable so your distrust of him is not only common it is completely justified From afar it is hard to give any advice that won’t seem simplistic and shallow but I’ll do my best I do recommend you talk to a skilled counselor/minister who has dealt with women in your situation Find someone who doesn’t just treat you as a “co-addict” (a common way to classify wives of porn/sex addicts) but as someone who has been traumatized by your husband’s sin (and any past victimizers) You need love and support right now as well as good counsel about how to move forward with your husband. Hi Jason At this point her trust of you has been shattered because you lied to her back towards the beginning of your relationship Because of this she’s right not to trust what you say at the moment That is a trust that must be built over time and that is a process both you and she should embrace If you continue to act in a way that is reliable and trustworthy and as she see this over time trust can be rebuilt Your part of this is not looking pornography and being absolutely patient with her as she figures out what will help her regain trust Her part is figuring out what actions on your part will help her heart to trust you again (not all at once of course but over time) You both have to live with the fact that for the time being trust has been broken. Several months later moving into our house I was looking for an anti-virus disc for our home computer and he said he had it in his Navy bag When I looked in his bag I found a stripper video that was signed by the woman on the front cover and it was addressed to him Recently when we talked about his e-mailing and talking to another woman he said it started last December Yet when I searched our records I found that he had actually started calling her in July I also found some more telephone numbers showing up on our wireless bill that seemed to be very popular at odd times of the day While I am encouraged that my husband says he is committed to making the changes that are necessary I am finding forgiveness is much easier than trusting again.” “likewise ye wives be in subjection to your own husbands; that if any obey not the word they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; “While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear” (1Pe 3:1-2) Do not allow such language to reduce your thoughts back to the “doormat” mentality Paul says just the opposite He tells you the wife to use your “chaste conversation,” your pure gift of gab your “sweet talk,” by whatever name to win him to Christ Does that sound like a “doormat?” No Would you win your husband to Christ? Then don’t be a nag Don’t criticize him “Sweet talk” him through your “chaste conversation” to becoming like Christ and reap the rewards of having a different kind of husband one you will like much better than the one you now have That is the Bible formula Are you willing to. You are making the choice to use porn and rationalizing that your wife’s lack of interest in sex has ‘driven you to porn.’ You don’t ‘have to’ use porn You are choosing to use porn At least be honest about that But also be willing to do the work to repair the emotional breach in your relationship and see what happens. The satisfying system involves actually having the meal or having sex which provides a calming fulfilling pleasure This system releases opiate-like endorphins that provide feelings of peace and euphoria Pornography Doidge writes hyperactivates the appetite system But the satisfying system is left starving for the real thing which includes actual touching kissing caresses and a connection not only with the body but also the mind and soul The satisfying system releases oxytocin and endorphins that says “Ain’t nothing like the real thing Baby.” This is one reason why men can easily forget and rush the cheap thrill of pornography In the end what is needed is not just a strong sense of satisfaction in but a ruthless commitment to fight temptation. How did that relationship go Your story mirrors mine :) Your experience can give help me tremendously in my thoughts. Thanks again for replying Well I wish I could believe that I am worth fighting for but tonight hubby told me he doesn’t have the capacity to fight for me or our To say I am shattered is a massive understatement I really don’t know where to go from here I don’t want it to be over yet how do you try and save a that the other person can’t be bothered with? I will just turn it over to God and trust that He will bring the change Any prayers from you for us and our beautiful children would be greatly appreciated! Thank you again for your time. So sorry to hear about your problem Jason What happened? What’s. Hi Ginny Great to hear about the changes that have happened in. You need to put your wife and family first Stop being selfish Wake up from your stupid fantasy You men take your wife for granted but when you lose the one you hurt and neglected then you want help? Me me me get over your yourself and start respecting the woman you claim to love and married Now!!!! Now to give you somewhat of a conversation would go like Lets say I went home today and mentioned that I went to a new customers location to drop off some equipment on my way there I passed a woman jogging I noticed her she was attractive but I looked away focused my eyes on the road and continued on my way then when I got to the office I have to get the contract signed Id go inside and lets say behind the customers desk he has a swimsuit calendar hanging up I notice it but again I look away get my papers signed and get out the door theses are 2 things that she would want me to tell her id get home shed ask how’d my day go or whatever and sooner or later the question would come out well do you have anything to tell me if I say no in her eyes im lieing if she really knew what I had come across. Truth is a lot has changed ive gone from a guy who didn’t go a single day with out looking at porn and I couldn’t enjoy intimacy with my wife unless I was thinking about the trash I viewed on the internet to being complete in love with my woman and want not to hurt her with my sin and have been sober from pornography for over a year and am developing a thriving relationship with my Father I just wish she could see how far I have come and that im not settling for where I am but I am where I am I understand scantification is a process not a switch I just wish she could understand that Wife what if your husband is unwilling to go first? What will you do? If you are a Christian wife in subjection then you will meet the unconditional responsibilities which God has given you alone You will submit to your husband even use your “chaste conversation,” your “sweet talk,” to win him to Christ And out of your genuine respect and reverence to God you will begin to reverence that. In other relationships the man is very honest even volunteering a lot of information about his inner world but the woman can become obsessed with that inner world even counting his struggle or possibility of his struggle against him (merely for living in a world of temptations) This can often turn to a very sour relationship very quickly placing the woman in a more maternal role This is very unhealthy for a For couples in that situation (and this sounds like you) I recommend these articles: Hey Archer I’m so sorry for the pain that you and your wife are both experiencing in your I’m wondering if you’ve been attending any kind of group or therapy for yourself as part of your recovery process? That would really be an excellent place for you to process the kind of complicated issue If you haven’t done group work or personal therapy I would encourage you to begin immediately Whatever your wife chooses YOU can choose to work on your own emotional health. If you meet with this counselor again press him on this Why is it none of your business what your husband does with his sexuality? Ask him that Remember the truth from 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights and likewise the wife to her husband For the wife does not have authority over her own body but the husband does Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body but the wife does.” Quote that to him If he rejects this you know exactly where he’s coming from. Neither will be easy to provide Becoming trustworthy will require an immense character change on his part and that’s no small task On your end trusting your husband again will require obedience and submission to God in spite of your scars That won’t be easy either – Brenda Stoeker. I want my to heal but im concerned that im just adding to the problem y discloseing EVERYTHING like she asks of me but when I don’t satan’s always there to condemn me for “lieing”. Porn use (and even ) doesn't always mean that a is over Get this free e-book to read how four betrayed wives found healing for themselves and for. Additionally my husband tells me that he is not even attracted to the pornstars he watches He tells me that i am the only one hes attracted to and find attractive and that i am what turns him on I dont understand how he can watch porn if that is true Is it possible that he is not sexually attracted to the pornstars he watches? I find it hard to believe He says that he just needs the idea of sex and that he even find the pornstars ugly I dont understand Can i really be the only one he is attracted to or wants or thinks is attractive when he watches and masturbates. A girl is attracted to a man who sweeps her off her feet gives her goose bumps makes her feel like a queen Such is the basis of worldly romance Even with all her gift of speech and their mental acuity a wife is easily deceived It all goes back to the first sin in the garden of Eden It was this very sin that Eve first committed of letting the Serpent sweep her off her feet and deceive her Wives have been deceived as a general weakness ever since Wife do you believe that? It is in your Bible If you think otherwise then is it because you too are deceived? My husband was caught on porn once he knows I hate porn I mean what do you get off on porn if you have a beautiful loyal wife he apologized and said he would never do it again and once again I caught him if he can just over other woman then when the opportunity comes he will cheat he says he’s sorry but I forgive him I think but the trust is gone I haven’t slept and feel like giving up I can’t do this any longer how can I ever trust a man that lusts over other woman I feel our is coming to. Hi Ginny Yes in a sense that is exactly what I am saying Your husband must make specific conscious and repeated choices for himself You cannot make those choices for him or force him to make those choices nor would you probably want to do so if you could This does not mean you are helpless however There are steps you can take to guard both your heart and put up helpful boundaries between you and your husband I recommend several links for you to read: “Porn and Your Husband” (free e-book) “True Betrayal” (Christian-based video series. Thanks Brittany Your comment is a breath of. I also highly recommend this video series for wives of porn addicts Excellent material: “True Betrayal: Seminar Series for Wives of Porn Addicts.” Grace and peace to. Sure I think it would be great if you could get access to helpful materials that aren’t Internet-based Perhaps the best thing would be to purchase helpful books and videos that will aid you in your journey…and of course making sure you are surrounded by helpful friends accountability partners and mentors If the Internet is going to be contentious point then forget about it I know I’ve only heard from your side of things but it sounds like you still need to put up some helpful conversation boundaries with your wife (much like the conversation I modeled in an earlier comment) It may not help her initially but it will. Christina are you both Christians? If so you should definitely try going to counseling/come together before God in prayer & Speak from your heart in prayer… Be very real before God about your pain Seek help before these tendencies becomes habitual & ordinary… And life as you both know it -Sending up a prayer for you ;) From: Speaking From Experience